like we are all beings of light, namaste, but also every single one of us has an ugly, dumb, selfish, lazy goblin living inside of us which can never be silenced or destroyed. and being a decent person means keeping that little fuck in his special little playpen hidden away in your heart, with his colorful enrichment rattles and his favorite pieces of raw meat, where he can pipe up with his wretched little opinions and you can nod sagaciously at him and pat him on the head and tell him you understand why he feels that way and never, ever let anybody else get their feelings hurt by him, because he sucks shit and nothing he has to say is worthy of notice by anyone but you. you should pay attention to him, but only because it’s important to understand your own worst impulses, and because trying to ignore him will make him break down a wall and run out into the street where he can show passerbys his privates and eat cigarette butts right off the ground. your goblin is valid: that doesn’t mean he’s fit for company.
This post! It made me feel so many controversial things and I struggled to unravel why I felt so strongly about it! And I am still not sure – it is definitely giving me something to think about. This is not an argument against – this is an addition to, just to write down my thoughts.
There’s a TL;DR at the end.
We are often being fed a big lump of “ur feelings are valid uwu!” which is fair,
- because there is a generation so disrespected and shunned for having emotions and so hyperaware of them that they keep those emotions inside to a self-destructive level;
- a generation so disappointed and helpless because of what the previous ones have let happen to the world, that they don’t know how to deal with all that emotion, becoming explosive;
- and a generation so emotionally constipated they’re incapable of seeing over their own hurt into others’ feelings.
We are always in the process of learning to deal with our emotions and interacting with other human beings, to express ourselves but to do so respectfully and healthily. When I read this post, I felt exactly how much of the “your feelings are valid” content I have been consuming, there was an automatic “but healthy emotions blah blah..” response bubbling at the top of my kettle, and I realised that there was something missing from that content. Obviously, don’t go hurting people just because you’re angry or sad or have any other feeling. But where is the content teaching us the line, telling us how to teach others the line between my hurt and yours? How do you lessen the blow and should you even try to? I’m missing the content that says “hey, here’s how you tell a person they hurt you/someone without making them feel like shit but instead helping them hear it and educate themselves”, and “here’s the line after which you maybe stop to think if you’re the problem and not them, Karen”. What is the situation where my expression of hurt and you being hurt by that notion is okay? When am I the Karen? Karen feels like a slippery slope. I can be emotional over something, but where is the rational line of my expressing that emotion?
And this is a thing that definitely hurts that 1st bullet point group – those so aware of their feelings that they keep them all away for fear of hurting and inconveniencing others. Nowadays it even flows into the type of people very recently becoming a phenomenon to psychologists – the ones that have tried everything, read every self-help book, gone to therapy, and yet nothing draws that snail out of their shell. Nothing helps them know “okay, now I can come at them with my comment because surely this is the bubble of my emotional rights”. What is the bubble of my emotional rights? Where does it end? It overlaps with other peoples’ on a daily basis, otherwise, this really wouldn’t even be a discussion, so at which point am I allowed to bite a part of someone else’s just because mine is being pushed against? We both deserve to have space, be heard, nurtured and happy.
All this, of course, can be very easily answered, if we were all perfectly emotionally intelligent and always healthy in our approach to social interactions. It just wouldn’t be an issue. I could say some rational one-liner out of an academic publication and solve it. Humanity is funny in that way, however, since we are all different, with different experiences, traumas, triggers, emotional stability and all that jazz. So I realized that the questions that stemmed for me from this post are the questions of people stuck with other people (naturally).
Every scenario I tried to construct to argue my point came in the form of something I’d experienced, where somebody had unintentionally and unawaredly (there’s gotta be a better word for this, please let me know) gaslit, trivialized or otherwise invalidated my feelings, or become triggered and overly protective themselves in the face of something they conceive as criticism. And it can be a lack of both emotional stability and intelligence on their part but also possibly a lack of ability to convey it from the ‘accuser’ that makes this into an argument going nowhere instead of a peaceful resolution to your hurt. And if this happens, repeatedly, then, well, of course, it gives you the impression that your feelings are irrational and hurting other people. So you stop sharing and become emotionally constipated, coming full circle, and suddenly it’s not just a goblin, but also some very sad puppies in that playroom stuck with it.
In conclusion, even though I thoroughly agree with keeping that goblin at bay, and it’s a logical and reasonable thing.. Not everyone is logical and reasonable. And that shit can hurt.
Thank you for coming to my word vomit. I’m not sure if that made any sense at all.
TL;DR:
The content around me has definitely over time leaned into the “All emotions are valid and you are always valid” thing without acknowledging that yes, you’re allowed to be angry or disappointed or frustrated, but no, you’re not allowed to be an asshole because of it. Your goblin is valid; he’s not fit for company.
Validating and understanding your feelings does not mean that every feeling you get has to be vomited onto others 'to be validated’. BUT it can be a very thin and difficult line for one to decide what is and isn’t to be shared, especially difficult if the company around you is not emotionally mature and aware. Even more difficult, in my opinion, is how to share it to navigate people who may not take well to criticism and spiral into an argument instead of a solution. It’s content like this that I really miss in media.
all of your feelings are valid as in “worth acknowledgment and internal consideration” but some of your feelings are also stupid and mean, and you need to deal with that shit without making it anyone else’s problem